July? No I’m always honest

A bit later than usual (sorry, life) here are my top favourites from the joyful month of July.

TV This is Us

I am a Kate and I want a Toby. I won’t lie, I was utterly devastated when I discovered that he wears a FAT SUIT to play the role (honestly, from his insta I just thought he was a yo-yo-er) but looking past the obvious WRONGNESS… I’m just in love with him. Like me, my name-twin has serious confidence and body issues and Toby is by her side, always, with a song to dance to or a heartfelt expression of unconditional love. HE HAS A HAPPY SONG. HE IS THE DREAM! This show fills my heart and empties my eyes. I relate so damn much to Kate that sometimes it stings just a little. There’s a whole load more storyline strands which are all brilliant, but it’s Kate & Toby that keep me hooked. Series 2 is on Channel 4 now.

Live event – Party at the Park, Newport

Such a hilarious night with my sis to celebrate her birthday. We walked for MILES because it definitely wasn’t in the place it was advertised but when we did finally arrive we were greeted with the sounds of Scouting for Girls yelling “She’s So Lovely” just as we walked in. Couldn’t have timed it better, we loves an entrance.

We ate a tonne of delicious food, danced our pants off to Craig Charles, got passively relaxed (!!) to Aswad, sung our hearts out to Soul II Soul and got accosted by two security men when I tried to take a photo of the lights on top of the bar (long story….but Showsec staff are BAD MEN who don’t understand the importance of a good Instagram post)

Top night. Jazzie B is still the coolest man on planet Earth. Hands down.

Food – Onion Rings at the Glee Club

So big they look like doughnuts. Hell, you could wear these suckers like a BANGLE. Get some.

PodcastWobble

Jules Von Hep and Sarah Powell are my new podcast bffs. They talk about happiness, body positivity and how we all “wobble”. Great mix of interesting guests, really lovely interviews and their obviously close relationship makes you feel like part of the gang. Super-duper-lush.

Make-up – Max & More Travel Palette

I have three main places I squirrel make-up; at home, in my handbag and in my desk drawers at work. (Scratch that, Four – in my dash) It’s everywhere. I can’t help it. I am OBSESSED with finding my holy grail travel palette with everything I need to carry around with me, but in miniature. Truth bomb: I really want the Tilbury one. But it costs eighty million pounds, so until my ship full of money comes in, I found this little contender for LESS THAN ONE POUND. It comes with a teeny mini sponge and a lickle slanted brush, powder foundation, eyeshadows, brow powder, blush & highlight. It’s insane. Pretty sure some VERY shady sh*t will have gone down to bring this product to our stores for this price point and there’s a very real possibility it might cause a nasty rash, however……I look purdy and this is the harsh but dazzling reality of the disposable society we live in. Go on, judge.

App – Done: Simple Habit Tracker

After losing my mind last year, I’ve been trying hard to do everything I can to hold on to it this year. Looking after myself and protecting my energy has had to become more of a priority for me, as I now really do realise that I’m useless to anyone if I don’t.

I read about consistency over intensity (doing little things all the time instead of giant big stuff every so often) and it totally resonated with me. This app lets you track three goals per day (any ones you like, you get to decide)

So I had a think about what 3 little things help me take care of myself every day, small steps that will top up my happiness. I chose…

1. Butt Exercises (this junk is my fortune I tell you. It’s my duty to protect it)

2. Take my Vitamins (I did an online quiz to see which ones would be best for me)

3. Read a Chapter (books have always been my escape, they help me so much. I know when I’m struggling I find it hard to concentrate for long enough to read, so one chapter a day before I go to sleep is realistic)

Your goals may be very different to mine, in fact I almost guarantee it! However, the principle is the same – small steps add up to a big difference and this app helps me track that. Eleven days in, it’s working for me so far.

And my butt looks INCREDIBLE. (Side note: If you’re made of money, an app upgrade of £4.99 gets you UNLIMITED goals…knock yourselves out champs)

BookNot Working by Lisa Owens

Was a bit concerned that my boss left this on my desk and so I spent a whole day worried that it was a hint to bin me. I mean, you would, wouldn’t you?

However, after diving in I discovered that it was simply a brilliant book recommendation. Proof that taking a leap can be a very good thing, sweet and funny. Recommended read!

Random Joy – Finding a steamroller with my name on!

Doesn’t happen every day, does it?

Enough said, really.

As always I’d love to hear what you’ve been enjoying this month? Let me know.

Big cwtches

Kate xx

January Blues

January is a tough month for fat people.

It’s really quite difficult to fly in the face of expectation year-round, and keeping your head held high throughout the fat-hate storm which always peaks at this time every year, is a bit of a challenge.

A new year, a new you! (Is there something wrong with me?)

Lose 3 billion lbs in just 10 days! (by disordered eating? Hmm..think I’ll pass)

Get the body you’ll love! (…or I *could* try to love the one I have?)

Gyms are heaving with the temporarily well-intentioned, all decked out in their new kit (all the gear, no idea) whose membership cards won’t see the light of day past February. Yes I’ve done it.

Celebrity workout DVDs. (Actually *anything* to do with celebrity diet endorsements….*sigh* This is an entire post of its own)

I’ve been there.

I fully understand but can’t help but pity the belief that becoming less = becoming more.

For the majority of my life I shared that belief and continued a cycle of punishing self-hatred because I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make myself small enough to feel happy, no matter what I tried.

January and Mondays were my biggest trigger points for disordered behaviour. Who would have thought that a calendar month and a day of the week could be quite so intimidating? Again it was the idea of ‘newness’ that appealed so much.

‘I can Etch-a-Sketch shake this horrible person away and draw a brand new smaller one!’ (entirely with sharp straight angles and absolutely NO curvy lines whatsoever….how tough are they to actually draw something?)

I would sit with a notebook (I have a thing for stationery) and a calculator (Excel hadn’t been invented yet) putting my GCSE Maths to its only practical use by working out the magical formula

If I did xxx and ate only xxx I could lose xxx and be a size xxx by the time I have to go to xxx and look amazing and xxx will fall in love with me and life will be PERFECT!

I faced each January and most Mondays with the same optimistic belief that ‘this time would be different’ with varying degrees of success.

My name is Kate and I’m a size 10, 12, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22 and 24.

I’ve been each of them at various points in my life.

Did I feel happier at my smallest? Nope. But did I feel more accepted? Hell yes.

The fundamental problem was my inability to maintain the extreme behaviour necessary for me to remain that way in the long-term. I simply wasn’t created to be small. Effortless or otherwise.

It took me a while to find my groove (more on this to come) and if I’m honest (which is kind of the whole point of this blog) then I still have quite a way to go to get there yet.

I’m not saying that dieting is wrong or promoting a healthy lifestyle is offensive. Of course not. I just know that I wasted so much precious time feeling unhappy, ugly and unworthy because of a deep-rooted belief that being a fat person is wrong and something to be ashamed of.

NEWSFLASH – BEING A FAT PERSON IS OK!

I am in no way promoting an unhealthy lifestyle (I’m not an idiot,who wants to be unhealthy? I want to live FOREVER….baby remember my name) however I have taken the tough decision to scream ENOUGH!

ENOUGH with the shaming, ENOUGH with the loathing and ENOUGH with the punishments.

Instead I will cherish, love and take care of this healthy abundant body I have been blessed with.

It’s the only one I’m ever going to have, so why would I treat it so badly by inflating and deflating it in a continuous cycle?

Just so we’re clear…I’ll still be your friend if you’re dieting or being a gym bore. I’ll still nod and smile in all the right places when you poke and prod your body and complain about how ‘disgusting’ your non-existent belly is, because maybe you don’t realise that you’re fat-shaming. I’ll still love you because you’re my friend, no matter what size yoga pants you’re wearing. (When did we start saying pants = trousers btw?)

But I will also try to give you a window into my big fat world and hopefully play a big fat part in making it far more fun for fat people to be a part of.

I said the ‘F’ word an awful lot then didn’t I?….Get used to it, it’s MINE now.

I have wanted to write this for a long time but have never been brave enough.

THIS is the kind of ‘new me’ that I’m happy to become this January. Without a calculator in sight.